Open letter to my son a year after we arrived home from India

Photo by Rebekah Kamsky Photography

Photo by Rebekah Kamsky Photography

Dear Gigi,

What a year this has been!

So many firsts,
So many adventures,
So much mischief,
So many laughs,
So much joy,
And so much love.

A love like I never even knew existed.
The kind that goes beyond space and time,
And that fills my heart with bubbles of joy.

Yes we may have missed out on two and a half years together.
We may have missed your first smile,
Your first steps,
Your first words,
And your first laugh.

But oh what amazing firsts we got instead!

The first time we saw photos and videos of you and there in that instant felt so much love for you already.
The magical moment when you finally walked into the room after we had waited and waited to meet you.
The first time you called us Mama and Papa, only a few hours after we had first met.
The first time you squealed with joy as Papa lifted you up over his head.
The first time you finally relaxed as I held you in my arms.
The first time you realised you were coming home with us forever.

The first time you met our families and came out on a trolley blowing them kisses.
The first time you played with your new friends and played as though you had known them forever.
The first time your little feet felt the sand beneath them and you couldn’t contain your excitement but wanted to run straight into the sea.

And so many more.

365 days of firsts.
Of fun,
Of adventures,
Of games,
Of races,
Of parties,
Of laughs,
And of squeals of delight.

For all the celebrations we missed out on while we were apart,
You’ve given us a reason to celebrate every single day.
(Which most days we do with the cha-cha-cha bumps).

As you run towards me after school with that look of delight on your face,
I can never stop thinking how lucky I am.

How lucky I am that I get to call myself your mother.
How lucky I am that somehow, in Paulo Coelho’s words,
all the universe conspired to help us adopt YOU.

May you always know how loved you are,
How loved you always will be
And how loved you always have been – even before we knew you.

My dear Gigi, you have completed us and if I could go back in my life a million times,
I would always choose the path that leads me right here to this very moment
With you asleep in my arms.

And no it wasn’t always easy.
It wasn’t easy when I thought my dream of becoming a mother would never come true.
It wasn’t easy to wonder if you would get to know and love us: two strangers wanting to be your parents forever.
It wasn’t easy to receive photos of you growing so fast on the other side of the world for 9 months.
It wasn’t easy in those first few days, when you wouldn’t let me cuddle, hug or comfort you.

And it’s still not easy.
Because being a mother is never easy.
It’s not easy to have your heart walking around outside your body they say.
But it’s also not easy to think of all the loss you had to experience in your three short years.

I wish I could somehow make it easier for you.
I wish I had answers to the questions I know some day you’ll ask me.
I wish I could make it so that we would never have been apart.

But I can’t.

But what I can promise you is my love today and always.
Know that no matter what, I am here and I will always love you.

Thank you for loving us.
Thank you for opening your heart to us and all the people we love.
Thank you for filling our lives with more joy and love than we ever thought possible.

Thank you for being our brave little hero.
Your birth parents must have been so special and brave too,
And I hope that one day they somehow get to know how amazing you are.

May you always remain as curious and as in love with life as you are today.
And may you always know how much we love you and always have and always will.

Love always,
Mama xxx

“I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you.” – Kiersten White